I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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