This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize