i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize