He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
