I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
