smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
