just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
