A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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