Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
