I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
