winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
