She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize