I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
