Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize