Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
