I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
