I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
