You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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