Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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