the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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