Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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