I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
