I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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