Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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