Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
