I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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