seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
