K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
