Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I touched a dick in church today
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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