you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
