Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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