Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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