new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
