boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
