Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
