I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize