morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
