She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
