Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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