my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's always time for handjobs
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
