Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm gonna have a badass scar
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
