Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
