I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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