maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
