My underwear smells like fireworks.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
