There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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