How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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