Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im six kinds of drunk right now
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Randomize
