Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
