every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
