i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
