thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
