My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
