glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
