Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize