dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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