Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
