What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize